45 minute intruder: I give in

I need to write down what I have decided so that I can read it and remember what I have decided!

I have decided to “give in” to what Jamison needs rather than my agenda and ideas of perfection. Don’t misunderstand me; by “giving in” I don’t mean giving up or even letting him call the shots. What I mean is I finally am going to let go of my agonizing over the perfect nap (you know, longer than an hour) and have decided that if 45 minutes was all he needed per nap, that was fine. I put him down at my choice of time, not his, which I figured out by using sleepy cues, attitude/behavior cues, and common sense. He will stay in his crib until I decide naptime was over (which again, will be a reasonable amount of time). I will always give him an hour and a half to “sleep.” I presented the opportunity. Whether or not (or how much) he sleeps, the opportunity was there. I will assist him as much as I can.

What am I still learning from this?

1. I cannot make him sleep. I can only give him the best circumstances, good timing and judgement on my part, and not provide props that would make it difficult for him if I wasn’t there.
2. How do I make good judgements, have good timing, and make wise decisions? Lots of practice, and more importantly, lots of errors. I am not going to be afraid to make mistakes. I am hoping that if I pay attention and still make mistakes that this will help me discover more about my baby.
3. I can’t make him sleep, but I can help him learn to rest. Even laying/sitting in a crib is more relaxing than even sitting on the couch talking to me.
4. When he won’t sleep, I can help him learn to be content. By waiting for him to get a happy heart (and until I get the chance) before I get him up from a nap, he’s learned to talk, play, and wait happily until it’s time to get up. I don't expect this to happen over night or without tears.
   
5. I’m not going to feel guilty about not “rescuing” him immediately, not entertaining him, and about not being able to figure out why he naps or doesn’t nap.
6. I need to be reminded that I’m human, I’m doing the best I know to do, and most likely this stage is giving me skills I need for other circumstances in life.
7. Not sleeping well is not always a reflection of my parenting skills. Maybe since he doesn’t nap long, we will have lots of time to practice behavior and focusing skills. :)
8. Sleep is just the beginning. I spend so much time worried about possible solutions and lack of long naps. But I know in my heart that it is not worth the stress. It may or may not (*gasp*) get better. And the better may be months down the road. But I will deal with it now, do the best with what I know, stick to my goals, seek guidance, and won't give up. Instead of letting the stress and worry eat me up and make me “obsessed,” (which, as my husband can probably testify to, I can be at times) let it make me better.

Sleep isn’t my only goal in Jamison's life, and nor should I place that much importance on that one issue. It’s important, but not the only thing that is important. That may seem like an obvious statement. But I say that because though in my head I know that sleep isn’t the only important thing, I sure act like it sometimes. And I don't want to let rough naps take attention away from a precious time as a first time mum.

Having kids that sleep well doesn’t make me a good mum, and being a good mum doesn’t mean I will have babies that sleep well.

The heart of my approach

In reflecting on my goals as a parent, i have decided that apart from ultimately raising someone who loves and lives for Jesus, my goal is to raise them so that they are self controlled and to become independent of me. I are preparing him to be able to leave me someday and take care of himself and others.

Some parents out there seem to want their children to be very dependent on them. They don't want to let go and allow the child to grow up and function on his own. It is understandable in some respects. They love their child unconditionally and have sacrificed so much to care from them. However I think if you allow your child to grow up and move on, he will happily come around to visit more often, whereas if you cling to your child and mourn his every milestone, he will likely try to develop some space between the two of you so he can move on in his life.

This is one thing that really attracted me to Babywise in the first place. Babywise is about giving your child the tools to survive without you. The -wise books help you teach your child how to think for himself and how to make moral decisions. It helps you raise your child to be a functioning member of society who can contribute positively to the state of the world. It isn't about fulfilling your own desires for feeling needed. It isn't about indulging your child's every whim. It isn't about giving him an easy childhood free of difficulty or disappointment. It isn't about just having a routine that suits me.

I will God willing have Jamison under my roof for 18-20 years. He has a long life to live beyond that. I want to be sure that as I parent him, I am looking beyond today to help him learn skills for tomorrow. Keeping that long-term perspective.

Baby Diary: Week 17

NURSING
Feeding has been a breeze the last two weeks. Varies in how long he takes, but generally about 15 minutes all up. I took the plunge after umming and arrrring and have extended him to 3.75-4 hourly (see schedule). it seems to be working well and gives him longer to go through some sleep cycles. He loves to come off and look at me and talk. Also likes to thrash his arms and play with his face, my boob, arm and shirt!

I am hoping to start dialing back the dream feed by 15 minute increments soon.

NAPS
Naps have been mixed, some back to 45 minutes with crying at the end and some resettles. Average of one solid nap for 2 hours and the other two short ones. He is happy to be in his cot most of the time. After his 4 month vaccinations he has slept like a trooper - best side effect you could have!

WAKETIME LENGTH
Wake time lengths are at 1 hour and 20 minutes, sometimes 5 minutes more. He has fallen to sleep instantly some times when put down at this time, without any tired signs shown. He has taken to waking at just before 6am and making a sort of grunting noise until I go and get him. Hilarious, but it would be great if he waited until 6.30 at least! It looks like our 7am starts were a short lived thing.



NIGHTTIME
Beautiful sleeper throughout the night - not a peep until after 5.

MILESTONES
Jamison is now able to position toys in his mouth so he is actually sucking on them and not on his hand! He is holding toys with more coordination and both hands. He discovered how to talk and blow small bubbles so is doing that a lot! He also rolled over on his own from his back to his front, when he swung his legs to the side and then followed through.
He is laughing and giggling at his toys and especially when he is tickled or we pretend to eat him!


SWADDLING
I have experimented with using the sleeping bag instead of wrapping him, and he has transitioned fine. I think he appreciates not having his arms tucked in. I did worry about his arms getting cold, but he doesn't seem to. I did tuck a swaddling cloth over his arms a couple of times, but will never do that again after I went in to check on him one night and he had pulled the cloth up over his head and was stuck. So scary. Thank God it was muslin and I got there in time.


OUR SCHEDULE

6.30am feed
7.50 bed
10.15am feed
11.40 bed
2.00pm feed
3.20 bed
5.45pm feed
6.30 bath then bed
9.30 dream feed

OUTINGS/EVENTS
Vaccinations and visits to friends. We went out for dinner on Saturday night and although he was very good and slept in his pram, he was awake all the way home and settled well. Horrible the next day!